Choofa90

For someone who just desparately didn't ever want to be left alone, I'm finding it so weird that I have been alone so long it's hard to cry silently. 

Six months ago it was all I could do to cry without making a sound. Not wanting others to feel awkward having to deal with my pain. Not wanting to turn people away because they wouldn't know how to help. Not wanting people to know how much I was dying inside because their failure to offer even a hug would just make me want to die on the outside as well. 

Then eventually I found myself 400km away from anyone who could even notice my pain, and all of a sudden it doesnt matter how I sound. No-one's heard me when I've talked. No-one's heard me when I've explained. No-one's heard me when I've begged for help, cried, screamed, or acted on impulse. What the hell. I may as well let it all out. Sob desperately into my pillow. Scream into the empty night air. I cant look any more the fool than I did when he saw me last. I can no longer be misinterpreted, mistrusted, misplaced. Not any more than I already am. 

And now I'm here. With people who love me. And I don't want them to feel bad that I still cry for the people who will never love me. And so I cry in words on a page I hope no-one ever reads. Except, of course, that one person who should have heard me all along, and offered the simplest of cures. A hug.