A while back, a mini adventure was forced on me. I didn't like it. I could see how it was supposed to help me. But I just couldn't stomach it.
Today I begin that adventure again. I'm scared. But I know that there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to put my feelings about this adventure into perspective. I think how I recall the effects of the last time might be slightly exaggerated, and so, this blog post hopes to put things in perspective when I come back and read it.
I woke at 11am this morning. I'm on holiday. It's what I do. I faffed around for a while. Made a cuppa and some toast.
By 11:30 I had some food in my tummy and was set to begin the adventure. I finished my toast and settled in to episode 1, season 7 of Dexter.
11:55 and I'm feeling a little drunk. I feel a bit like I need to go to the toilet, but I've been three times in the last 5 minutes. The muscles on the side of my neck and throat and starting to tighten. Only slightly - maybe I wouldn't even notice if it weren't for last time. But, I'm determined to see it through this time. I'll be fine. I'm going to have another coffee and maybe a little more toast while I can still swallow.
12:05: I can get a handle on this. I'm good when I'm moving about. I just have to remember that 'drunk' used to be a good feeling. I can feel my heart beating quite strongly, but not quite as fast as the usual anxiety thump.
12:15: the sensation of needing to vomit when I swallow (due to my muscles being tense) is building. But I'm determined to not be anxious about it this time. Still drinking my coffee. Invited to lunch, but giving it a miss. Already feel like vomiting, without the gooeyness of love making me gag. Need to go to work to print some things, but concerned that the anxiety of seeing him there might ruin my resolve to beat this yucky feeling.
12:55: think the yucky part is passing - this could be good. Got a little burst of energy and am suddenly feeling ok about having people in my house (a thought that was making me ill only an hour ago). Don't stress. I don't expect it to last - I understand it's too early in the journey to have everything just turn out right. Besides, I still have to get to work and back without having a melt-down.
1:35: Driving to work felt amazing. I was on a high. Good drunk. Sang at the top of my lungs. Got to work. Found my bestie. Bitched about work and enjoyed every flame filled word. Feeling great. A little hazy in the eyes. But good. For now.
4:29: Where did the time go? Work was a little bit of a blur (not that I was really working - just hearing everyone's stories). Had a few moments of 'clarity' where I realised how I was overreacting about silly things and made some apologies for doing so. These moments were followed instantly by the desire to 'unapologise' because I just knew the person had wronged me. Not sure which of these states was reality. Apologising felt better. But, there's still something niggling at me that I wasn't the one that needed to apologise. Anyway, upon leaving work I had a sudden feeling of needing to be sick. That feeling that if I yawned or swallowed I might just projectile vomit. A familiar scary feeling. So now I am home, forcing myself to eat. I'm not sure if that will solve anything, but as last time I ended up not eating for a week I thought trying to eat might be the answer.
4:45: I have kept down a cheese toasty and a glass of Coke. Coke burps feel good. And the act of eating didn't induce any vomiting. So, while I still feel that same feeling in my throat, I think I might be able to keep it together. I just gotta keep looking at my 1:35 post. It's been a long time since I've felt like that. And I can't wait to again.
5:30: I've got school work spread all over the floor, none of which will get done. A glimmer of my normal self coming through. At least I've found the energy to begin something to procrastinate about. Until now I've not even bothered procrastinating. Now, to Dexter or normal TV? Decisions, decisions.
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