Don't Know What Day it is

Ok. That's a lie. I know it's Sunday. The day for a  bunch of random catch up thoughts.

I dreamt the other night that my daughter lived with her paternal grandparents. That she had an accident and went to hospital. I didn't visit her for a week. When I did, I hardly recognised her. I don't know how long it had been since I'd seen her. Her face was wrinkled, and when she spoke with a strange accent I knew something was wrong. After a lot of tears and screaming it came out that the grandparents had 'lost' my kid, and this orphan had tried to take her place, and while they knew it wasn't her, they pretended anyway. I woke up sad in so many ways.

My anxiety has slowly been returning since Wednesday. Spending time with the friend who tried to help me when I was lost just returns me to a strange place. That and the fact that she keeps bringing up bad news and reminding me that I was never loved by the people who said they loved me. I can still shake the annoying thoughts, but it is getting harder and harder. The pain in my chest comes and goes (so at least isn't a constant as it once was).

I've run out of things to watch on telly. Over my holidays I managed to watch every series I could think of that I would be mildly interested in. Season 7 of Dexter, Season 1 of Elementary, Season 1 of Sherlock, Seasons 1 and 2 of Hart of Dixie, Seasons 1-3 of idiot abroad, refreshed myself on the end of Season 1 of American Horror Story so I could watch season 2 with a friend (yet to happen), a lot of episodes of QI and The Sketch Show, all of Lee Mack's stand up, Season 1 of Smash, The Slap, Season 1 of The Secret Life of Us, Spaced, Season 1 of Parks and Recreation, some Chasers, 2.5 Seasons of Misfits, Season 1 and 2 of Once Upon a Time, Season 1 and 2 of Tangle, and a bunch of movies. Now there's nothing left on the real telly. Elementary is on, but I've seen it. I'm waiting for Smash season 2 to get under way so I can watch more than one episode at a time. I think I'm becoming a hermit... Thank god for work and motorbikes.

I bought a motorbike. It's blue. It's cute. I might have said cute a few too many times to the man I bought it off. I hope he wasn't offended. It's unregistered. Hopefully I'll get to ride it by the end of the week.

Day 6 - 9

What a whirl wind of a week! Thankfully somewhat sedated by medication and a lack of sleep, I managed to not fly off the handle at some irritating news, or upon running into people who were angry with me for no good reason. Work was surprisingly easy despite being completely unprepared for it, and it was great to be amongst my peers again.

Sleep is getting progressively easier - be it through the exhaustion of working or that I'm getting used to everything. I still feel a little drunk during the day, but I'm getting used to that too.

Last night I dreamt that I kept accidentally (subconsciously) trying to commit suicide. It was strange. I dreamt about taking prescription medication (just one) and then finding hundreds of them in my mouth and trying to spit them out before I swallowed them all. It was so strange. I couldn't decide if I wanted to die or not! But the good thing is I woke feeling I had just had a strange dream, not in a worried sweat that I was dying. This is progress.