Achoo!

Have you ever had a bottle of glue with the little nozzle thingy and let it dry up a little. And then you use it you have to pull out the rubbery sticky part that has dried up in the nozzle. It stretches, and stretches and then snaps out, splashing a little bit of wet glue in your face... I had a similar experience yesterday. With a booger.

That's right. I've got a cold. It's nothing exciting. Nothing really blog worthy, but it's an experience I wanted to share. I hope you feel better for it ;)

F^$% off

Time for a list. A list of people, things and situations that I would like to say a big fat 'Fuck Off' to:

Firstly, to the dog who not only has no spatial awareness and feels the need to break both of my kneecaps every time she jumps on the bed, but who also spent the whole of last night making licking noises in the air. I'm not talking about the lapping up water kinda sound I'm talking the sucking something juicy out of their arsehole kinda sound. I nearly vomitted.

Secondly, to the child who knew I'd been kept awake all night, and (even after waking me the night before whilst sneaking out to watch the lunar eclipse at 4am) decided that on my day off she needed to bang around the house for an hour and 15 minutes before leaving for school just to make sure I didn't even get a minute worth of sleep in.

to the carpet company who said they'd call at 9am and didn't call until I called them at midday to tell them they hadn't called.

to Windows 7 and your Aero quirks which I'm sure I will love when I get used to you, but not when you're closing screens and popping up this and asking for administrator permissions for that while I'm trying to figure out how to fix the issue with my report writing system that the techies couldn't solve for me.

to the 107 clients who need end of financial year statements about crap they didn't do and things that nobody could be bothered keeping a record of, even though they're not even going to read the statements or use them to better their lives any time in the near future.

to the inventors of coffee for making it so addictive that I'd had 7 cups before noon.

and to the makers of cigarettes for NOT finding the part that makes you burn more calories than you could possibly take in in a day and marketing that part minus all the cancery shit.

to the kid who let her fish (amongst other things) die in her bedroom and didn't tell anyone so that they guy who eventually came to quote for the carpet had to run dry reaching out of here.

to the inventor of Doritos for making them so moreish (as opposed to Moorish as I wrote somewhere else - although they do sound Spanish), and to my teeth for being too brittle to handle Doritos, and to myself for continuing to eat Doritos despite my increasing lack of teeth.

to my pantry for not providing me with anything other than Doritos and coffee.

to the supermarket carpark for always being full (at least full to the distance I'm prepared to walk) and to myself for being such a lazy bitch.

to the 2 cars that stole the only 2 viable carparks, the 4 cars that cut me off on the way to the supermarket and the 17 cars that cut me off on the way back home (14 of whom deserve this message just for driving 4 wheel drives around town).

to the three cars that put their right blinker on at the lights after I'd pulled up behind them, the 47 cars driving 20kms per hour below the speed limit, and the one (or possibly two, who'd know) motorbike riders travelling in my blind spot

to the Laminex place for being stupidly over priced, in the wrong state, and only open until 4pm on weekdays.

to the ATO for being completely void of customers and yet still ridiculously slow, and for making me too scared to even own a birth certificate let alone frame it.

to AAMI for not letting you pay through internet banking, and then deciding to shut down all their branches without any warning, but more to the point for not even taking the furniture out of the shop so that - even after the 4th lap around the block looking for a park in a street that has more fancy flagpoles than parks, and ending up having to walk for 15 minutes to get to the shop - I didn't even realise until my hand was on the doorhandle that the place wasn't even open! And being informed by the tacky piece of paper on the door that it was shut for good and that someone would be happy to take my call but only after it had rung for 27 rings only to find that the person wasn't, as the sign suggested, happy at all to speak to me, but quite possibly due to the fact that I was spitting down the phone in disgust at the culmination of a nothing working kinda day.

to the dashboard in my car for not registering how much petrol I have, and for finally letting me know somewhere on my third lap of AAMI that I was out of petrol, and to the people who set the prices for petrol so high that $60 can't even last me - a person with no life - a week.

to Optus mobile for never having working internet when you need it, but always having working internet when you're trying hard not to procrastinate by playing Words with Friends or Angry Birds.

to my GPS for giving me no co-ordinates at all

to Google Maps for giving me the wrong co-ordinates

to bullets, numbered lists and all the other messed up things that want to completely put all my hard work formatting to waste.

to the people bragging on Facebook about how awesome their long weekend was because their job is finished for the day and they can spend the whole weekend relaxing

or worse, to the people who have the same job as me, and choose to rub my nose in the fact that they've finished all the reports they had to write.

and finally (for this installment) to the people to wait until you're really down and out, are feeling anxious and perhaps a little suicidal, to pounce on your facebook statuses with comments that include the words "boo" "concrete" or "suck it up princess"

Well, that got a few things off my chest. Like the fact that I've used the bullet function. Next time I'll have to test out the numbered list...

Excuses, Excuses

Ok enough of the stupid posts catching up on my day to day life. Now it's time instead for another annoying 'dear diary' kind of entry. That's right. The one where I make excuses to myself (because I'm still under no grand illusions that anyone is reading) for not writing in over a month. The only thing is I know I will talk myself out of these excuses leaving me just feeling guilty.

Excuse Number One:

I have been busy.

We all know that's a lie. My life consists of this:this:
and every now and then a little:
Any of which could always include a little

Excuse Number Two:
I have had nothing interesting happening in my life. That is not a lie. And yet, as one of my thousands of readers pointed out - I never have anything interesting happening in my life. I did sob on the couch for a good 15 minutes after that little gem of inspiration. Then I realised they were correct. Maybe it was because I had too much happening. Pfft who's gunna believe that.
Excuse Number Three:
I'm so busy at work I'm just drained when I get home. Again. Not true - I had a whole 2 weeks in there somewhere where my only job was to watch someone else do my job and let them know if they did ok. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, if you're doing my job and the scenario doesn't look at all like this...
...you're doing just fine.

But seriously. Considering I haven't been locked in a room half filled with people on some serious drugs, half filled with people in need of serious drugs, been called up to the boss's office or had my car planked on in weeks, I consider myself quite lucky and considerably stress free at work of late.
Excuse Number Four:
I acknowledge the fact that no-one wants to read my drivel, and have also come to the conclusion that feeding my multiple personality disorder by imagining that my other personalities are reading and therefore getting some insight into my life, and hoping that one day they will return the favour so I can understand me, is a bordering on the crazy side and perhaps I should just calm down on the whole blogging thing for a while. I like this last possibility. Even if it is a hard sentence to read. Go on. Try it again, I'll wait...
elevator music
... do, doodoodoo, do do doo doodoo ...
Conclusion:
I don't have a conclusion. But I do have an excuse FOR finally getting back in to the swing of things. Let me spell it out for you:
Pro...
...
cras...
...
tin...
...
a...
...
tion.
That's right - it's the end of the financial year and I have a mountain of homework. Yup... 21 years of schooling and I'm still doing homework. Well, that is a lie. 21 years of schooling and I'm still expected to be doing homework. And I'm still mucking around with technology instead.
So, think yourself lucky other personalities... if it weren't for homework, you'd have nothing to read right now.